Life Trove: September 2003

My tribute to Gramps (read out at his funeral)

My earliest memories of Gramps are of a tall, bigger than life, bronzed figure with a pipe in his mouth and a sparkle in his eye, regaling hearty stories and spreading fun & laughter wherever he went. I remember him flying to South Africa for summer holidays, armed with hugs and funny stories - and my life would be complete. He introduced me to James Bond movies, the joys of swinging a cricket bat and the exhileration of surfing down waves at Muizenberg. He was quite simply my childhood hero and I dreamed of being like him when I was big. I cannot decribe my elation when he and Gran decided to come and live with us in South Africa. It was the happiest day of my life.

Gramps loved to perform. He was never happier than when he captivated an audience with a rivetting story or funny tale. During his younger days, he loved to act and was very, very good at it. He won England’s amateur actor of the year award and he became, for a while at least, the most famous bank manager in england after he appeared in national magazines as Blackbeard the Pirate and other charaters as part of a advertising campaign for the bank. Of course, his theatrics continued long into his life. Year after year, he held sway at the annual bowling party, entertaining many with his stories, and raising thousands of rands for his beloved club in the process.

Gramps taught me to love and savour food like no-one else. He relished a good meal with liberating gusto. He loved Gran’s delicious Sunday roast beef and yorkshire pudding. He adored sizzling Madagascan steaks at Barristers. And raved about Veal Princess at the Cassanova. Not to mention ladies ribs and Pecan-nut Sunday at the Spur. And of course, he ejoyed his liquid refreshments too – an amstel lager in the pool, a glass of Chateau Libertas with his meal and his personal favourite: an Irish whisky with a snack every morning at 11 am sharp.

Gramp’s loved his sport too. I remember his stories about his waterpolo days when his shoulders were at their widest and his fitness at it’s height. And his love of playing cricket which he did for many years. He also enjoyed watching sport on the telly and no-one was a greater supporter than he of his English cricket team. Then of course there was his passion for bowls. I have never seen him happier than when he was galloping along the bowls green. He often said that if he could choose how to die, it woul be from a heart attack on the green as he delivered the perfect wood and he heard the shout “toucher, Tony, toucher!!” Of course, it was a sad day when he had to give up due to his wobbly feet but the continued friendship of his bowling buddies meant the world to him.

I have several memories of gramps that make me laugh out loud. Like how he loved to do the Times cross word in the nude for inspiration. How, when I dyed my hair orangey blonde, he took one look and said “My God Graeme, you look like a Poefta!” How he affectionately made fun of granny’s lumpy custard. The way his hair stuck straight up when he’d just woken up. I love my memories of him as the train conductor at the annual Vista Nova fete yelling at the top of his voice “All here, all here for the Rondebosch Express” as little children ran around him in excitement. Then there was his amazing sense of faith in the reader’s digest competitions which he filled out and returned every second week saying “I’m shortlisted for the big one this time.” He never did win the big prize – but how he enjoyed the anticipation!

No-one adored his family more than Gramps. I remember the immense pride with which he walked Jo down the aisle on her wedding day, chest held high and his face beaming. I remember him trimming dad’s beard with tremendous care as they shared a chuckle . I remember how he loved Ally and how he became her number 2 hug man. I remember us all sitting together at Xmas, munching mince pies and opening presents. I remember how he held Sammy as a tiny baby as if his heart would burst. I remember his excitement when Keira and Trish came to visit and the look on his face when he spoke to Kyle on the phone about his lastest goal. I remember how his eyes would sparkle when he discussed the recent cricket match with Anthony. And most of all, I remember the way he spoke about Mum, and how her support and help and love were his rock as he became unable to move around and organise his life.

Of course, one cannot talk about gramps without talking about Gran in the same breath for they were soul mates for over 60 years and Gran was the very centre of his world. He loved to tell us how they met as teenagers under an old piano at a party during a game of murder in the dark and how smitten he was. She had, he would tell me many times in my life, the most beautiful legs in all of England.

The love that gran and gramps had for each other has been a never ceasing source of inspiration. They personify to me what love and devotion and comittment are all about. I will always remember their wonderful 50th wedding anniverasry at Kelvin when they shared their special memories with their friends and family. And as long as I live, I will never foget how gramps visited gran every single day for years when she had to move to Woodside Village. How they would hold hands for hours, often without speaking, as they looked out onto the garden. Gramps was absolutely determined to outlive gran so that he could support her to the very, very end – and so he did – and it’s no co-incidence that he passed away exactly one year to the day after gran. Or that he was heard to say “Dorothy is coming to get me” in the days before he did.

So all in all, my memories are a celebration for a wonderful life and a very, very special man. He was someone, who, no matter what was happening in his life, would find something to laugh about. He was someone who could make anyone feel comfortable and welcome. He had a zest for life that was infectious and liberating. He was my childhood hero and my favourite mentor and a constant source of inspiration. He was fun and loving and generous. He was my beloved Gramps. So many of the things that I hold dear in myself are due to him. My love of hugging. My freedom in showing emotions. My sense of humour. My belief in love.

The world has been a richer place because of Tony. We will miss him hugely. But I know that he is now back with gran. And I know that he keeping heaven entertained with his stories. And that he’s probably galloping right now along a clestial bowling green yelling “toucher!”. Or tucking into a delicious steak with a glass of red wine. I look forward to seeing him again one day to hear his latest story and share a hearty chuckle.

Letter to Gramps (sent 8 months before he passed away, 2002)

Hi there Gramps

I just wanted to write to share some feelings with you. I so wish I could be there to hear your voice and have a good chat. I know I will see you in February but that seems so far away right now! So right now I will just put a few of my thoughts in words for what they are worth…

As you know from my letter, I had such mixed feelings when I heard about Granny. Obviously I was very sad that she was gone and I would not see her again for a long time (I do firmly believe I will see her again one day). But I was happy that her spirit was once again free. It must have been so hard for someone as proud and independent as gran to loose all her freedom and have her body become so weak. And of course, it was equally tough for you to see her become so.
I was also happy for the wonderful life she led and the amazing person she was. She was such a gem, wasn’t she? Always constant and generous and caring for others. You recognised her beauty (in addition to her beautiful legs!) when you met her over 60 years ago and you continued to treasure her all her life. And I know she treasured you too even if she was not always able to say how she felt.

I also feel nostalgic when I think back over all my memories of gran and what she means to me personally. I remember how excited I would feel when I heard you and she were visiting South Africa. I have a memory of lieing in bed with her when I was 6 and had just won my first book prize and she read me a couple of chapters. I remember visiting her at Epworth Road and telling her all about School and how she would listen intently to every single word – always making me feel like I was the most important person in her world right then. How she would ring me to find out how my test or match or play had gone- always thinking of me, always interested in my life. How she would cut something out of the newspaper that she thought I would find interesting or useful – often about something that I had mentioned months before. She never missed anything did gran. And of course, I remember her delicious meals – especially her roast beef and Yorkshire pudding and veggies and trifle. Not to mention the kiersh and ice cream – do you remember that?

Also sleeping over with you guys and watching old movies like The 39 Steps till late and then going to bed with a hot water bottle that Gran had prepared. And lots of later memories too. Like the wonderful, spontaneous speech she did at your 50 th wedding anniversary. The hug she gave me on the day I married Ally. The pride and love love in her eyes whenever she held Sam. So many, many things – and so many of them make me cry.

But most of all I feel inspired by the way you and gran loved and supported and committed to each other during the 60+ years you were soul mates. You were always there for each other no matter what. And it never waived even during the hardest days of the past few years. It makes my heart swell when I remember how you visited gran literally every day for when you were at Whitehall. And how you sat with her every day while you were at Wodside. How I would visit sometimes to find you holding hands out on the patio at Woodside. Gran may not have voiced her inner most feelings but you could see how she cherished your support and how you were her north and south and east and west during her hard struggle at the end.

So Gramps, I just want you to know that I love you. Love you completely and wholeheartedly and unashamedly. You have always been my larger that life gramps – my cheerful, charismatic, open, funny gramps who I hero worshipped as a kid. You taught me how to show my emotions. How to show people I loved them. How to make people laugh and entertain them with funny stories. How to laugh at myself and see the funny side in things. How to enjoy myself and see the treasure in things no matter what. We have always talked together, you and I, about what a special person gran was. But haven’t told you that you were equally special and wonderful and amazing in your own way. Much of who I am today is thanks to you and gran. It has been such a wonderful journey, our relationship together – and I know Jo feels the same way.

So gramps, those are my feelings. Uncensored and from the heart. I wish I was there to say them but they are no less from the heart because they are via email.

I think of you every day and as I said in my letter before, I know Gran is watching over us. Love as special as the love that you and gran shared never dies. Never.

Bye for now / G

Gramp's speech at his 50th Wedding Anniversary (see more speeches)

My friends

I put a lot of thought into what I was going to say today and now I am in such a state, I can hardly say anything.

Firstly I must thank Graeme for the beautiful things he said to Dorothy and me and I must also congratulate him on the excellent way in which he proposed the toast.

Everybody in their lives has certain extra special days and I worked out the other night that in my life I have had five extra special days. The first was my 21 st birthday. Now everyone’s 21 st birthday is an extra special day but mine was an extra special day because it was on that day that I proposed to and was accepted by my Dorothy. Extra special day number two was an unmentionable number of years ago when Dorothy presented us with our first daughter, Jill. Now I say unmentionable number of years because I have a shrewd idea that Jill would rather I was not specific. Extra special day number three came an embarrassingly short time after special day number two Dorothy presented me with daughter number two, Trisha, who resides in Canada but, thank God, is here today. Number four of course was our 25 th wedding anniversary and number five is today, the big 50.

Now how do you say thank you to a person who you have shared your life with for 50 years, who has born your children, who has loved and cared for you for 50 years. Now when your first born toddler or your first grandchild staggers up to you on uncertain legs clutching in his hand or her hand a drawing in crayon, utterly indecipherable, but presents it to you with a look of love and a look of pride and you look at this little face and you say “Thank you.” Your heart is filled with love. When an eighteen year old boy, on graduation, gets from his parents his first 2 nd hand motor bike or old banger car, with his face suffused with emotion and gratitude, he looks at his parents and says “Thank you, mum. Thank you dad.” But how do you thank a woman for 50 years of love. A women who has been your wife, your companion, your lover and your friend for 50 years. The words just aren’t there. All you can do is look at her and say “Thank you, darling, for everything.”

Now everyone here I think, except for two, are people who are married or have been married. And I’m not standing here for a minute pretending this has all been Camelot: The sun always shines, it never rains, and everything is always perfect. I’m not because I’ve got to tell you that this beloved girl of mine can be very difficult . She can be very awkward. And like so many women, she is utterly, utterly illogical. And she has that gorgeous feminine habit of never admitting she is wrong. But I have to tell you that on Tuesday of this week, this very week, Dorothy broke into double figures and for the 10 th time in 50 years, she looked at me and said “Darling, I was wrong.” I thought to myself, Xmas has come early this year. And then, as if this wasn’t enough, and I am sure this could only be because she was suffused with the emotion of this imminent occasion, through gritted teeth, she added “And you were right!”

Dorothy and I are so thrilled and grateful that you have honored us with your presence here today. We have here our lovely South African daughter, Jill, and Ivor, her husband, and as you have already heard, our gorgeous grandson, Graeme, who is the apple of our eye. Sadly my beautiful granddaughter, Joanne, is in America and cannot be here but you have heard that lovely message from her and, bless her heart, she rang us today.

We also have here, to put the icing on the cake, our daughter Trish from Vancouver and that really is a Godsend. Unfortunately, her husband Mike, and their two lovely kids, Keira aged 11 and Kyle aged 8, obviously can’t be here. Mike has to earn a living, the kids have to go to school and we can’t afford four return fares from Vancouver!

We are also thrilled that quite by chance, which makes it even more delightful, we have Barbara here who lives in Majorca and she is here with her husband. We have known Barbara for longer than she would like me to mention and it is a thrill that they happen to be here in this country just at this time.

We also welcome all those lovely friends of Jill and Ivor, who, over the 20 years we have been here, visiting and living, have become friends of ours. And lastly, but by no means least, my lovely pals from the Rondebosch Bowls Club. For 10 years nearly, we have been members and they took us into their club and into their hearts, and they have become, outside my family, my life. I can’t tell you the pleasure and the joy that it gives me and Dorothy to have you here today.

Now I’d like to close very briefly, as I started, by talking to Graeme. I’d like to end by giving Graeme one piece of advice. Now at no stage does a 21 year old boy think of being married 50 years himself. But when one day he marries and eventually recalls this lovely day, it might possibly cross his mind “Could I possibly be married for 50 years?”

And you can Graeme, and please God you will, and you have only one thing to do but it is the most difficult thing you could possibly imagine – you have to find and marry a girl as wonderful as my Dorothy.

Gramp's farewell (from a tape that I received after Gramps passed away)

Dearest Graeme & my beautiful Ally.

This is just a message to you which you will receive when I’ve gone. But I have told you both so many times personally and in letters and cards how much I love both of you. But I just want to tell you that really there are no words that can express the gratitude I feel to my family and you two included of course for the kindness and the love and the affection and the helpfulness that you have given me through particularly as far as Graeme’s concerned the last 22 years I’ve lived in South Africa and as far as my beautiful Ally is concerned the day she came into your life when I met her for the first time.

I am just realizing at the age of 84 just how lucky I have been in my life. I was married to the most wonderful lady in the world and I loved her for 65 years, of which 60 we were actually married but I was busy chasing her for 5 before that. And on top of that she gave me 2 wonderful daughters who produced in their turn each a boy and a girl and you Graeme are my No. 1 grandson and there is something between us that I think we both realize. You have often said that you can see a lot of me in you and I can see a lot of me in you and you have written some incredible letters to me telling me in writing what I have meant to you and you actually said it as well and it really is something else because I so love you and I’m so proud of you and it just makes my life wonderful. The whole family is so blessed with happy marriages and no angry words or anything. I just can’t get over it. That there seems to be nothing nasty. The only difficulty of course is the distance of the Vanderbecks from us or from me and that of course is something that one can’t avoid.

But Graeme I have been so proud of you as I watched you grow up and as I said in my message to Jo, I remember going back when you were just a little boy and she was a little girl and you two, granny and I used to have those surfboards at Newsenberg and just coming on those little waves and the winner was the one who got nearest to the beach with his or her surfboard and I had to cheat like crazy not to win because grandads aren’t supposed to beat little children at games. But it was such fun and we all had such fun. It was absolutely lovely and I remember too Graeme when I used to come and sit with your Dad in the little toddler’s pool looking onto your proper pool and I’d be sitting there having a beer or something like that, having trimmed Dad’s beard and you would stand at the other end of the pool far far away from me and you would stand there and I would pretend to shoot you with a pretend machine gun going dadadadadad like that and you used to clutch your stomach as the bullets rippled into you and fell flat forward head first straight into the pool. We would both used to shriek with laughter at the stupidity of it but it was such fun and so lovely and I remember it so well.

We really have been so lucky and what I think is so lucky is that having lived here for 22 years when we came to be near you, Mum and Dad and Jo but the extraordinary thing is that in all the years we were never further than 5kms away from each other and that I think is extraordinary because you could so easily as a family have gone to Johberg or somewhere like that, but fate didn’t decide that and you stayed there so granny and I were thrilled with having you.

I shall always treasure your speech at our 50th wedding anniversary when you told everyone about me doing the times crossword in the nude and cheating on granny as soon as she went to shut her eyes switched to my program. Oh lovely. All the people there did enjoy it and you really have got quite a master’s touch in this public speaking. And speaking of someone who the only gift God gave me was being able to make a speech at a drop of a hat or write a good letter. Those were the only two real actual gifts if you like that I had but that public speaking one is very valuable and can stand you in good stead throughout your life so make the most of it and don’t ever drop it.

And then of course what did you do, you went and married the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen outside our family and there was I trying to look at her and just feel she’s my grand-daughter in law and I kept looking at her and I was thinking you’re gorgeous and I made that awful remark to granny when we were a bit worried because you didn’t pop the question and we were worried you would lose her and I said to granny one day, “you know if I was 50 years younger I’d give him a run for his money I’d propose myself”, at which granny came with a remark I will cherish forever I know I’ve told you before that she said “oh no my boy, 50 years ago you were still married to me”, which I thought was brilliant from the dear old darling.

But anyway we really have got a gorgeous family. Your mother has been so wonderful to me. I cannot possibly describe the care and the loving kindness and the work that she does for me to keep me supplied with whatever is required, and to look after my bank accounts and transfer when necessary and the simple fact remains and I realize now that at 84 a lot of these things are to be truthful beyond me and I get a bit befuddled and what I would have done and your darling Mum I just don’t know and so I have been very blessed. And I look around and I see other people who have got hardships and that and I think how lucky I am to have reached this age with all of the love and the caring that exists around me and I just feel blessed completely so all we want now my boy and as you too get yourself a job in England, in South Africa and bring that beautiful girl back here when you can although I realize it is all very well to talk about it and I’m not making light of it because I know it isn’t easy, but we would love to have you back here as I’m sure you both really would like to be back here.

Anyway, Graeme, Ally you know because I’ve told you so often, how much I love you both. I mean no one can have told his grandson and his grandson’s wife more often as I have about loving and being loved and showing your love and thank God you do and I’m so grateful that I’ve been permitted to live to see it and I wish you both all the happiest of marriages for the rest of your lives.

Bye-bye.

As a kid